Too serious, lately….
Kids. I want to tell you something.
Going through a mid-life crisis early in life is the best gift you can give yourself. I suggest age 18. Your opinion, naturally, may differ. But. It gets you to where you want to go that much quicker. Very fulfilling. I think it was the Dhali Llama that said the major import is you can post shit like this next story on the motherfucking internet….
I have a buddy who is very cool. We walk some different paths but they intersect enough that it looks like cats in the craddle. So. He’s asked for a top 10 crazy show memories. I just can’t. There’s too many. And I’m not going Hunter S Thompson here for free. So fuck off.
I’m driving into Las Vegas on fumes with a box full of stolen rubies and enough drugs to sedate the Gaza Strip. My associate…
But.
There is one story that is so hard. It’s like a Diamond.
So. I’m with Diamond. Let’s get crazy…
AEROSMITH
Rose Graden
Feb 13, 2006
Portland, OR
Baby.
Day before Valentines. I guess that is why love is in the air….
I’m with Diamond. Beer line before the show. Two separate lines. like I I . So. Across the way is a party. The kind that always seems destined for a derail. Only question, mama? How far down the track and how burnt.
Remarkably, I’m sober. And mentally stayed that way. My show senses were on upper beam after locking onto this. And so was Diamond. The party is a dude and two chicks. We’ll call dude, Ralph. Ralph’s rocking the frothy ‘stache and dirty beard. Dressed well but not flash. He’s being casually supported by his two female companions. Not serious motor function loss. But the kind of help that seems like an unspoken helping hand from fellow chemical mixers.
Ralph and his friends are living the dream.
The chicks? Nah. Wait for it.
Ralph is nothing special, but he’s out there in the perimeter where there are no more guides. And the party is cocoon land. Looks a plenty. No recognition. None. Oblivion to the surroundings. Really, a talent no matter what the sobriety level.
Me: “How you think he pulls that off?”
Diamond: “He’s probably loaded.”
Definitely on one level.
The bullshit continues, but gets old. Our show too, motherfuckers. And I’m an Aerosmith geek and looking forward to this. Plus always wanted to see Lenny Kravitz (who was opening).
We’re sitting lower level. Aeroforce one presale was lame as your dad’s dinner jacket and knocked us to like 3 sections away from the stage. Another hard lesson of fandom learned. Whatever, but looky looky, here’s the fucking cookie.
Ralph and Company are 4 rows in front of us.
It is obvious Ralph & his companions are not winning friends and influencing the greater middle-income white suburbia surrounding them. Some of these people are here with kids. I’ll say it again about taking kids to arena rock. You better be prepared with some speeches. Frankly? I’m looking forward to it.
Party bus is rolling.
Alright. Let’s set the table with the chicks. Mid-40′s. Cougars. Silicone tits. Shaggy hair. Skin tight T-shirts. Tight pants. I’m not one to make assumptions. And, frankly, I a firm supporter of the Rainbow Coaltion of Concert Sluts. We’ll just say, if they were on the second story of a firestation? And the bell rang? The descent I’m sure would be executed with style and flair.
Cougar 1=blonde Blougar
Cougar 2=brunette Brougar
Ralph and Company like Lenny Kravitz.
Alot.
They know alot of the songs too.
I think that is awesome.
They sing along.
Ralph grabs some ass. Usually Blougar, but Brougar gets some love too. Obviously it is all good. Throws his tounge down Blougars throat. Sure, why not? Music is in the air, baby! Love is all around us. Cocoon city.
People are getting noticeably pissed as this starts looking more and more like an after hours cabaret.
Diamond: “I’m not even watching Lenny anymore.”
Blougar and Brougar start getting down with each other but never touching. Really, an epic performance.
I’m going to be honest, I don’t know exactly when the Party Bus lost engine #1. My memory says it was about 6 songs in. Diamond may have better facts. But that is what I’m remembering. Anyways. Someone was on stage. Ralph is running out of gas. He’s a little tired. I think understandably. He’s got a lot on his plate. Intoxication. Hot asses. Choruses to sing. It’s a lot.
He’s taking a little breather in his chair. He even has an aisle seat. Very helpful.
Personally, my mental bet was that Ralph would pull it off. I didn’t see any noticeable color discoloration. The breathing was labored, but we all know that is one trick a pro uses to keep it on the level. But yeah. Too much. Ralph loses it all over the seat in front of him. On his shoes. And judging from the intensity, probably into the aisle. I’m assuming some collateral damage.
Like a stunned champion, you can tell he’s trying to rally to his feet. He keeps gathering but can’t make it before the venue staff are on him. Someone (quite naturally given the scene) had obviously tipped them off.
Remarkably, they want to know…
“Who vomited?”
Ralph gamely denies it but the people around him are all pointing at him. He’s had. And is guided out of the arena. He’s not cutting a dignified stature, but he’s making it.
I just figured one of the women would follow him. They seemed tight. But. They stay put. Don’t even wave goodybe.
A remarkable turn of events…all things considered. I’ve always loved a liberated woman. And now there’s two in our section!
The two girls decided that without Ralph there? Their love could now be let off the leash. I agree. Fuck Ralph! He’s an asswipe. You two do your thing. I figure the people in our section would be down with it two. A show at a show is just a bonus! Like adding salt to something tasty. But I guess not. Alot of the comments around us are not as supportive as Diamond and mine.
I’ve been around. I’ve seen alot of shit in my life. But I’ve never been in the VIP room for free until Feb 13, 2006. Just wish I had some champagne.
